Big Idea
Kids need firm limits, encouragement, and guidance toward a relationship with God.
Icebreaker
What is one of the best gifts you ever received? How long did it make you happy?
Introduction
There is a reality TV show on MTV called “My Super Sweet 16,” that follows a 15 year old and her family as they plan for her 16th birthday party. The parents spend hundreds of thousands of dollars to throw totally over the top parties, in elaborately decorated ballrooms, where guests arrive in Hummer limos, and are entertained by celebrity artists. The birthday girl arrives on the red carpet and is greeted like a movie star. Typically she has either had a melt down or temper tantrum multiple times in the party planning process and has told her parents that they are “ruining her life,” while they continue to spend, spend, spend in an effort to make her life happy. As the extravaganza begins, and the birthday girl arrives, parents beaming, as the child who has behaved like a spoiled brat, has the time of her life.
If you have ever seen one of these shows, you find yourself just wanting to jump through the screen and ground the teenager for a year. But at some point along the way you realize that in most cases the parents are to blame. Many parents create the habits and behaviors in their children that they spend the majority of their time trying to undue.
While those of us who are parents have probably not spent that kind of money or gone to those lengths to make our children happy, we have probably all, at one time or another, put too much emphasis on making our children happy. But sometimes what we think our children need and what they really need are two different things. The “suburban legend” that says we are supposed to make sure our kids are happy has led to an epidemic of over-indulged children.
The Bible has these words to say to children in Ephesians 6:1-3 (The Message):
Children, do what your parents tell you. This is only right. "Honor your father and mother" is the first commandment that has a promise attached to it, namely, "so you will live well and have a long life.
While all scripture certainly applies to children, this is one of the few times children are directly addressed.
1. According to the verse in Ephesians, what two things are children asked to do?
2. What does it mean to honor someone? What would it look like to honor someone?
3. In this part of Ephesians, Paul is quoting from the Ten Commandments; he points out that this is the first commandment with a promise – “so you will live well and have a long life.” What do you think God is including in that promise?
In order for children to carry out the verse in Ephesians, parents must have given them instructions to obey. When parents do not set boundaries it is difficult for children to obey the boundaries that have not been set. This problem further perpetuates itself when it comes to respecting and honoring parents as they punish their children for acting outside the boundaries which have never been clearly set. Read aloud the following scriptures that give instructions to parents:
Proverbs 23:13-14
Don’t fail to correct your children. You won’t kill them by being firm, and it may even save their lives. (CEV)
Proverbs 19:18
Discipline your children while you still have the chance; indulging them destroys them. (The Message)
Deuteronomy 6:6-9
Write these commandments that I've given you today on your hearts. Get them inside of you and then get them inside your children. Talk about them wherever you are, sitting at home or walking in the street; talk about them from the time you get up in the morning to when you fall into bed at night. Tie them on your hands and foreheads as a reminder; inscribe them on the doorposts of your homes and on your city gates. (The Message)
Ephesians 6:4
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord. (NLT)
4. What are some examples of how correction can “save” a child’s life?
5. What are some examples of how correction has saved your life or the life of someone you know?
6. Children need consequences when they fail to respond to correction. Give some specific examples of how you have used consequences to teach children to obey or how you learned a life lesson through consequences.
7. Did you grow up knowing God’s commandments? If so, how did you learn them? If you are a parent, how are your children learning them?
Research identifies four main types of parenting. Dr. Gary Smalley calls the four styles dominant, neglectful, permissive, and loving and firm.
• The dominant parent put a high emphasis on limits, and low emphasis on love.
• The permissive parent puts a low emphasis on limits, and high emphasis on love.
• The neglectful parent puts a low emphasis on limits, and a low emphasis on love.
• The loving and firm parent puts a high emphasis on limits, and a high emphasis on love.
8. If you are a parent (or work with children) which parenting type do you display most often? Do you need to work more on showing more love or establishing more limits? (Check with your family to see if your answers match.)
9. Can you think of some examples of parents who are loving and firm? What behaviors have you observed that make them good parents?
With firm boundaries has to come specific praise. When a child lives within the boundaries a parents has set for them, the child needs to receive praise for doing so or the child may not see value in staying within the boundaries. Loving and firm parents are good at giving specific praise (To a young child learning to make his bed - “Excellent job making your bed this morning!” Or, “Great job sharing with your brother.”) vs. general or empty praise (“good job”).
10. What are some things you can give a child specific praise for or what are some things you would like specific praise for?
What’s Next
Pick one or two specific actions you will take this week to invest in your child and be the parent God wants you to be. If you are not a parent, choose some parents that you will pray for this week.
• I will give specific verbal affirmation to my child.
• I will show my child more affection.
• I will take time to connect one on one with my child.
• I will pray for my child.
• I will establish specific rules for my children.
• I will establish specific consequences for my children.
• I will look for ways to help my child connect to God’s community.
• I will connect with a parent I respect for support.
• I will be intentional about talking about how God wants my child to have the best life.
Personal Journal and Reflection
Luke 18:28-30, 2 Corinthians 12:13-15, Colossians 3:20-24, Proverbs 30:17, Exodus 20:12
How do you see yourself as a child of God? What does it mean to you for God to be a father figure?
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Who can you pray for in your family? _____________________________
Who can you pray for at work or school? ______________________________
Who can you pray for in your neighborhood? _____________________________
“What’s Next?” Follow Up
Take a moment to revisit last week’s “What’s Next?” to see and hear how people have grown or have been challenged.
Big Idea
Sexual abstinence and not living together are proven to be the best ways to prepare for a great marriage.
Icebreaker
Name one of your favorite inventions. What do you like about it most? Do you know who invented it?
Introduction
There are many things in a car that we don’t fully understand unless we are the manufacturer or engineer who designed the vehicle or specific part. For example, why do we change our oil every 3,000 miles? Most average auto-owners know the results or consequences of not changing their oil every 3,000 miles but still don’t know what causes the undesirable result. Some of us are even willing to stretch well beyond the suggested guidelines and “take our chances.” The only reason we know the frequency of which to change our oil is because of the User’s Manual provided by the manufacturer “for best results.”
Like a car, there are many things we don’t understand about life and why we should or shouldn’t act in a certain way. We may know the potential consequences but we fail to consult the manufacturer before making a decision that could damage “our engine.” For example, sex has been created by our manufacturer to be shared between a husband and wife in the context of marriage. God sets the standard with which we are to live when seeking the best results. If we live outside the guidelines provided to us by God in the User’s manual, the Bible, we can expect less than the best results in our relationships.
Here are some statistics on the results of living together before marriage from Michael McManus, the president of Marriage Savers. Statistically speaking, living together is not preparation for marriage, but rather training for divorce.
• More than eight out of ten couples who live together will break up either before the wedding or afterwards in divorce.
• Couples who do marry after living together are 50% more likely to divorce than those who did not.
• Only 12 percent of couples who have begun their relationship with cohabitation end up with a marriage lasting 10 years or more.
The Bible also has some significant things to say concerning sex and marriage, the context in which they were created, and the purposes for which they were designed. Read the passages below together as a group.
Matthew 19:4-6
Haven't you read in your Bible that the Creator originally made man and woman for each other, male and female? And because of this, a man leaves father and mother and is firmly bonded to his wife, becoming one flesh—no longer two bodies but one. Because God created this organic union of the two sexes, no one should desecrate his art by cutting them apart. (The Message)
1 Thessalonians 4:3-5
God wants you to be holy, so don't be immoral in matters of sex. 4Respect and honor your wife. Don't be a slave of your desires or live like people who don't know God. (CEV)
1. Imagine taking two different colors of Play Doh, pink and blue, squishing them together, and molding them into one piece. What happens when the two colors mix? What happens when they are pulled apart? How does that relate to the idea of becoming one flesh referred to in Matthew 19?
2. The word “holy” means “set apart”. In addition to not living together and abstaining from sex, what other ways can we act in a way that is “set apart” from worldly ways when it comes to relationships?
Since sex is created to be between a husband and wife, living together increases the chance that two people will make decisions outside the guidelines God has set for us. Some experts say that you cannot be completely self-giving in sex outside of marriage because there is no permanent commitment which allows you to give all of yourself (heart, body, spirit, and mind). This causes us to create habits concerning sex that are not habits we would want to carry into marriage.
3. How do you think God views sex?
Many people think of God as anti-sex, but it is not true. Silently read this passage found in the Bible, from the book Song of Solomon, which is a beautiful love story between a married couple.
Song of Solomon 7
Shapely and graceful your sandaled feet, and queenly your movement—
Your limbs are lithe and elegant, the work of a master artist.
Your body is a chalice, wine-filled.
Your skin is silken and tawny like a field of wheat touched by the breeze.
Your breasts are like fawns, twins of a gazelle.
Your neck is carved ivory, curved and slender.
Your eyes are wells of light, deep with mystery.
Quintessentially feminine!
Your profile turns all heads, commanding attention.
The feelings I get when I see the high mountain ranges
—stirrings of desire, longings for the heights—
Remind me of you, and I'm spoiled for anyone else!
Your beauty, within and without, is absolute, dear lover, close companion.
You are tall and supple, like the palm tree,
and your full breasts are like sweet clusters of dates.
I say, "I'm going to climb that palm tree! I'm going to caress its fruit!"
Oh yes! Your breasts will be clusters of sweet fruit to me,
Your breath clean and cool like fresh mint, your tongue and lips like the best wine.
The Woman
Yes, and yours are, too—my love's kisses flow from his lips to mine.
I am my lover's. I'm all he wants. I'm all the world to him!
Come, dear lover—let's tramp through the countryside.
Let's sleep at some wayside inn, then rise early and listen to bird-song.
Let's look for wildflowers in bloom, blackberry bushes blossoming white,
Fruit trees festooned with cascading flowers.
And there I'll give myself to you, my love to your love!
Love-apples drench us with fragrance, fertility surrounds, suffuses us,
Fruits fresh and preserved that I've kept and saved just for you, my love.
(The Message)
4. How do you feel when you realize this is what God’s Word has to say about sex—Shocked? Relieved? Not surprised? Why do you think God chose to include this book in His Word?
So, God is obviously not anti-sex, but because He wants the best life for us, He has set guidelines for us in the User’s Manual for our protection. But there is also another interested party (Satan) at work who tries to convince us that God is a kill-joy or is trying to keep us from enjoying some part of God’s creation.
In Eden, Satan tempted both man and woman as he does today.
Genesis 3:1-4
The serpent was clever, more clever than any wild animal GOD had made. He spoke to the Woman: "Do I understand that God told you not to eat from any tree in the garden?"
The Woman said to the serpent, "Not at all. We can eat from the trees in the garden. It's only about the tree in the middle of the garden that God said, 'Don't eat from it; don't even touch it or you'll die.'"
The serpent told the Woman, "You won't die. God knows that the moment you eat from that tree, you'll see what's really going on. You'll be just like God, knowing everything, ranging all the way from good to evil." (The Message)
5. How might you rewrite Genesis 3:1-4 to have Satan tempting someone to live together or commit a sexual sin?
Here is what the New Testament has to say about marriage and sex:
Hebrews 13:4
Honor marriage, and guard the sacredness of sexual intimacy between wife and husband. God draws a firm line against casual and illicit sex.
(The Message)
6. What are some of the consequences of not living within the boundaries God has established when it comes to our lives?
Read the story of the woman caught in adultery in John.
John 8:1-11
Jesus went across to Mount Olives, but he was soon back in the Temple again. Swarms of people came to him. He sat down and taught them. The religion scholars and Pharisees led in a woman who had been caught in an act of adultery. They stood her in plain sight of everyone and said, "Teacher, this woman was caught red-handed in the act of adultery. Moses, in the Law, gives orders to stone such persons. What do you say?" They were trying to trap him into saying something incriminating so they could bring charges against him.
Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger in the dirt. They kept at him, badgering him. He straightened up and said, "The sinless one among you, go first: Throw the stone." Bending down again, he wrote some more in the dirt.
Hearing that, they walked away, one after another, beginning with the oldest. The woman was left alone. Jesus stood up and spoke to her. "Woman, where are they? Does no one condemn you?"
"No one, Master."
"Neither do I," said Jesus. "Go on your way. From now on, don't sin."
(The Message)
7. How did Jesus’ attitude toward that woman differ from that of the crowd?
8. How do you think that woman’s life changed after this encounter with Jesus?
9. Many of us feel like we have lived outside the boundaries in the past. What do you think Jesus would say to us?
10. Like the woman at the well, what things in your life would Jesus ask you to leave behind if he had a one on one encounter with you?
What’s Next
If you are involved in activities or a relationship that you know is not promoting God’s best for you, what steps can you take that would move you toward that “best life” that God intended for you to have?
Who can you seek out to give specific praise and encouragement for living in accordance to God’s guidelines?
Personal Journal and Reflection
Ephesians 5:33, Ephesians 5:3-5, Mark 10:6-9, 1 Corinthians 6:18-20, 1 Corinthians 7:1-2
How do your relationships honor God? In what areas do you struggle with living in accordance to God’s guidelines?
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Who can you pray for in your family? _____________________________
Who can you pray for at work or school? ______________________________
Who can you pray for in your neighborhood? _____________________________
“What’s Next?” Follow Up
Take a moment to revisit last week’s “What’s Next?” to see and hear how people have grown or have been challenged.
Big Idea
Teenagers need to be valued while at the same time held accountable for their choices.
Icebreaker
What was one thing you did to rebel as a teen?
Introduction
Ali left everything she was familiar with at home and moved to Africa, started an orphanage, and travels around the world bringing aid to orphans in impoverished areas.
Pat traveled to 32 cities to raise awareness of and recruit volunteers for the National Marrow Donors Program registry. He raised $140,000 and added 7,000 people to the donor list.
Dallas made a short film entitled “Just Yell Fire” that teaches 11-19 year old girls how to escape attackers. She then started a not for profit that distributed 500,000 free copies of the film and serves 41 countries.
Do you know what Ali, Pat, and Dallas all have in common? They are all teenagers; teenagers who have made a big difference. Teenagers do not all behave like the self-centered, lazy, partying, bad-choice-making tyrants depicted on television. In fact, some recent statistics showed that more teenagers volunteer (59%) than adults (49%).
1. In what other ways can teenagers make a difference?
2. Do you know a teenager who is making a difference? What kind of a difference are they making?
1 Timothy 4:12
Don't let anyone put you down because you're young. Teach believers with your life: by word, by demeanor, by love, by faith, by integrity. (The Message)
Read 1st Samuel 16:11-13 below. This passage takes place after God has sent Samuel to select the next king. God has told him that it will be one of Jesse’s sons, so Samuel asks Jesse to gather his sons together. Jesse calls in all of his sons, except his youngest, David.
Then Samuel asked Jesse, "Is this it? Are there no more sons?" "Well, yes, there's the runt. But he's out tending the sheep." Samuel ordered Jesse, "Go get him. We're not moving from this spot until he's here." 12 Jesse sent for him. He was brought in, the very picture of health— bright-eyed, good-looking. God said, "Up on your feet! Anoint him! This is the one." 13 Samuel took his flask of oil and anointed him, with his brothers standing around watching. The Spirit of God entered David like a rush of wind, God vitally empowering him for the rest of his life. (The Message)
In this passage God has directed Samuel to anoint David as the next king of Israel while he was still a teenager. Jesse did not see the potential in David and had left him in the fields tending the sheep when he was asked to gather his sons.
3. Why do you think Jesse didn’t see the potential in David?
4. What undiscovered potential do you feel you had as a teenager that went unnoticed?
5. What untapped potential do you see in a teen or someone else you know?
Here are Paul’s words to the Corinthians that could also apply to families:
1 Corinthians 12:20-26
What we have is one body with many parts, each its proper size and in its proper place. No part is important on its own. Can you imagine Eye telling Hand, "Get lost; I don't need you"? Or, Head telling Foot, "You're fired; your job has been phased out"? As a matter of fact, in practice it works the other way—the "lower" the part, the more basic, and therefore necessary. You can live without an eye, for instance, but not without a stomach. When it's a part of your own body you are concerned with, it makes no difference whether the part is visible or clothed, higher or lower. You give it dignity and honor just as it is, without comparisons. If anything, you have more concern for the lower parts than the higher. If you had to choose, wouldn't you prefer good digestion to full-bodied hair?
The way God designed our bodies is a model for understanding our lives together as a church: every part dependent on every other part, the parts we mention and the parts we don't, the parts we see and the parts we don't. If one part hurts, every other part is involved in the hurt, and in the healing. If one part flourishes, every other part enters into the exuberance. (The Message)
6. Think about a football team. Are there positions on the team that are given more honor? If so, why? Are there dispensable positions on the team? Why or why not?
7. Why might teenagers feel they are not important players in the family? At Church? Or at School?
8. What can we do to make teenagers feel like valued members of the community?
Sometimes even the best of teenagers make bad choices. In the book Boundaries With Teens, John Townsend expresses the importance of strong personal boundaries for parents of teens. He says “teens will develop self-control and responsibility to the extent that their parents have healthy boundaries…the more teens experience the negative consequences of their poor choices, the more internal structure and self-control they develop.”
Boundaries can be likened to a fence on a property line. Parents draw the line for their children and expect that it will not be crossed. The fence represents firmly stated behavioral expectations and consequences that need to exist in order to hold teens accountable for their choices.
9. What are some reasons parents might fall short when it comes to setting and/or maintaining boundaries for their teens?
10. Can you think of a time where you learned a valuable life lesson from suffering the consequence of a bad choice? If so, share it with the group.
“God made parents to be the guard rails on the twisting road of life. You need to be strong enough for kids to crash into over and over and over again. You must stay strong, so that your teens will learn to stay on track. Guard rails get dinged up. But if they work well, they preserve the young lives that run up against them.” - John Townsend
11. If you are a parent, in what ways can you be a guard rail for your child?
What’s Next
Teenagers who feel valued and needed are less inclined to rebel and more inclined to become responsible adults. Is there a teen you know that needs to be encouraged to develop their God given potential? If so, what can you do to help them?
Is there a teen you know who you can affirm for their lifestyle choices and commitment to Christ?
Personal Journal and Reflection
Isaiah 41:10, 2 Timothy 22-25, Exodus 20:12, Ecclesiastes 12:1, 1 Peter 5:5-9
What potential do you have that is currently being untapped? How can you see God’s strength to grow in an area you are weak?
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Who can you pray for in your family? _____________________________
Who can you pray for at work or school? ______________________________
Who can you pray for in your neighborhood? _____________________________
“What’s Next?” Follow Up
Take a moment to revisit last week’s “What’s Next?” to see and hear how people have grown or have been challenged.
Big Idea
Honor your parents regularly in meaningful ways.
Icebreaker
Who is or was your favorite TV parents?
Introduction
I have a friend whose mother-in-law, Gloria, made a lot of mistakes in her mothering. She isn’t known as the warmest person and she often used guilt to coerce her kids into behaving. But Gloria is being cared for in extraordinary ways now by her four kids. Her oldest daughter, Jane, would say she has many unresolved issues with her mom, and yet she spends hours each day caring for her physically and emotionally. Her other daughter, Mary, drives 3 hours almost every week to spend time with her mom and keep her connected to the family news. Gloria’s oldest son, Robert, lives on another continent, but has dedicated funds he was saving for his own retirement to pay for all of his mom’s living and health expenses. And her youngest son, Philip, lives in another part of the country, but spends countless hours on the phone talking with his mom about the same things over and over again.
Gloria now has Alzheimer’s and although her children would probably rather focus on their own lives, and spend time with their own children and grandchildren, they devote countless hours, precious energy and large amounts of money honoring their mother by caring for her.
1. How do you feel about this story?
a. This story is inspiring; I would like to be this honoring to my parents.
b. I’d like to be this honoring, but not sure how I’d be able to pull it off.
c. Wow! All of the brothers and sisters pitched in. Amazing!
d. Oh spare me; no kids do this for their parents anymore.
e. Other: _______________________
Ephesians 6:1-3
Children, do what your parents tell you. This is only right. "Honor your father and mother" is the first commandment that has a promise attached to it, namely, "so you will live well and have a long life." (The Message)
2. What does it look like to “honor your father and mother”?
Sometimes we are so consumed with our lives that we don’t think we have time to give to our parents. Some of us have unresolved issues and the last thing we want to do is honor and respect them. But as Christ-followers we are called to follow Jesus’ example in all things. This includes honoring our parents. We don’t know a lot about Jesus and his relationship with his parents, but there are a few passages that give us a glimpse into their relationship.
Mary and Joseph were called at a young age (probably around 14) to do the extraordinary – parent the son of God. They were not married at the time and responded with total willingness to do whatever God asked of them. They had no idea what the next 33 years would hold. Nine months later Mary gave birth to the only perfect child who was ever born (although some grandparents might beg to differ). Although Joseph and Mary had to have been confused at many times, when shepherds and kings came to worship Jesus in Bethlehem the Bible says, “Mary kept all these things to herself, holding them dear, deep within herself.” (Luke 2:19)
We know Mary and Joseph went on to dedicate Jesus in the temple, that they fled to Egypt to protect him from Herod, and that they went to Jerusalem every year for the Feast of the Passover. We get a glimpse into their family in the book of Luke when Jesus was 12 and they lost track of him on the trip.
Luke 2:41-52
Every year Jesus' parents traveled to Jerusalem for the Feast of Passover. When he was twelve years old, they went up as they always did for the Feast. When it was over and they left for home, the child Jesus stayed behind in Jerusalem, but his parents didn't know it. Thinking he was somewhere in the company of pilgrims, they journeyed for a whole day and then began looking for him among relatives and neighbors. When they didn't find him, they went back to Jerusalem looking for him.
The next day they found him in the Temple seated among the teachers, listening to them and asking questions. The teachers were all quite taken with him, impressed with the sharpness of his answers. But his parents were not impressed; they were upset and hurt.
His mother said, "Young man, why have you done this to us? Your father and I have been half out of our minds looking for you."
He said, "Why were you looking for me? Didn't you know that I had to be here, dealing with the things of my Father?" But they had no idea what he was talking about.
So he went back to Nazareth with them, and lived obediently with them. His mother held these things dearly, deep within herself. And Jesus matured, growing up in both body and spirit, blessed by both God and people. (The Message)
3. How do you think Mary and Joseph felt when they had to spend days searching for Jesus?
4. What do you think Jesus was trying to communicate to his parents when He says, “Didn’t you know I had to be in my Father’s house”?
5. How can we speak truth into our parents’ lives, but still do it in an honoring way?
The next time we encounter interaction between Jesus and his parents is with Mary and Jesus at the wedding feast from the book of John when Jesus performs his first miracle.
John 2:1-5
Three days later there was a wedding in the village of Cana in Galilee. Jesus' mother was there. Jesus and his disciples were guests also. When they started running low on wine at the wedding banquet, Jesus' mother told him, "They're just about out of wine."
Jesus said, "Is that any of our business, Mother—yours or mine? This isn't my time. Don't push me."
She went ahead anyway, telling the servants, "Whatever he tells you, do it."
Six stoneware water pots were there, used by the Jews for ritual washings. Each held twenty to thirty gallons. Jesus ordered the servants, "Fill the pots with water." And they filled them to the brim.
"Now fill your pitchers and take them to the host," Jesus said, and they did. (The Message)
6. What do you learn about Jesus and His mother from this passage? How is honor shown?
7. As we look back, many of us find it easy to focus on what our parents did wrong, but there probably are some things they got right. What are some things your parents did right?
Jesus has his final opportunity to honor his mother while on the cross.
John 19:25-27
While the soldiers were looking after themselves, Jesus' mother, his aunt, Mary the wife of Clopas, and Mary Magdalene stood at the foot of the cross. Jesus saw his mother and the disciple he loved standing near her. He said to his mother, "Woman, here is your son." Then to the disciple, "Here is your mother." From that moment the disciple accepted her as his own mother.
(The Message)
Even in his most difficult final moments, Jesus considers His mother’s needs and seeks to make His mother proud.
8. If your parents are still living, what are some of their needs at this stage in their life?
9. No matter how difficult and busy your life gets what are some ways you can take the time to honor your parents and meet their needs? Of if one of your parents or both are no longer living, how can you honor their memory?
What’s Next
Choose one of these to pray about and act on this week.
• Would your parents say they feel or felt honored by you?
• Do you need to reframe the way you think about your parents?
• Do your parents have a need that you could meet?
• Do you need to work on speaking the truth in love to your parents?
• If your parent or parents have passed away, is there a parent that you could encourage or meet a need for this week?
Personal Journal and Reflection
Exodus 20:12, Psalm 103:13, Colossians 3:21, Proverbs 13:24, Deuteronomy 11:18-19
How can you honor your “Almighty Father”? How have you shown Christ to those who are older than you?
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Who can you pray for in your family? _____________________________
Who can you pray for at work or school? ______________________________
Who can you pray for in your neighborhood? _____________________________
“What’s Next?” Follow Up
Take a moment to revisit last week’s “What’s Next?” to see and hear how people have grown or have been challenged.
* This session is addressed to the currently married person. If you are divorced, we understand that there are circumstances that dictate an end to a relationship. God sets the standard that marriage is a lifetime commitment between two people but there are times when one person or both are no longer committed to making things work. We believe that God wishes us to expend all possible options before deciding on divorce but extends grace and compassion in situations that cannot be resolved. If you are in an abusive relationship, some of these principles will not apply to you and your situation. For further information on divorce recovery, saving a marriage, or additional counseling contact the following:
Divorce Care – Lauri Gordon ▫ dc@keystonecc.org
Restoring the Gift – Kim DeWitt ▫ okdewit@charter.net
Counseling - Contact a Keystone Staff member
Big Idea
Marriage, as created by God, is a lifetime commitment that changes and transforms us as we serve our spouse.
Icebreaker
What’s the best wedding you have ever been to? Why?
Introduction
Here are some statistics on divorce in the USA found on divorce.org.
• Divorce rate in America after first marriage is from 41% to 50%.
• US divorce rate after second marriage is from 60% to 67%
• After 3 marriages the US divorce rate is from 73% to 74%
• Children of divorced parents are 4 times more likely to get divorce than children of couples who are not divorced
1. What is your reaction to these statistics?
a. These numbers are higher than I expected
b. These numbers are lower than I expected
c. Some of these people should have tried to fix the first marriage instead of trying again with someone new
d. Children are impacted by their parents’ divorce for a long time.
e. This needs to change
God often gets a bad rap when it comes to divorce. God speaks firmly about divorce not because he dislikes people who get divorced but because he dislikes the consequences, pain, anger, and hurt that come with it. God sees marriage as a union between two parties. When two things, people or otherwise, become one it is impossible to separate them without damage and it is impossible for either to ever be the same as they were prior to becoming one.
Matthew 19:1-9
When Jesus had completed these teachings, he left Galilee and crossed the region of Judea on the other side of the Jordan. Great crowds followed him there, and he healed them. 3One day the Pharisees were badgering him: "Is it legal for a man to divorce his wife for any reason?"
He answered, "Haven't you read in your Bible that the Creator originally made man and woman for each other, male and female? And because of this, a man leaves father and mother and is firmly bonded to his wife, becoming one flesh—no longer two bodies but one. Because God created this organic union of the two sexes, no one should desecrate his art by cutting them apart."
They shot back in rebuttal, "If that's so, why did Moses give instructions for divorce papers and divorce procedures?"
Jesus said, "Moses provided for divorce as a concession to your hard heartedness, but it is not part of God's original plan. I'm holding you to the original plan, and holding you liable for adultery if you divorce your faithful wife and then marry someone else. I make an exception in cases where the spouse has committed adultery." (The Message)
2. What aspects of marriage does Jesus emphasize in this passage?
The Pharisees viewed divorce as a legal issue rather than a spiritual issue and by saying Moses “permitted” a man to divorce his wife was not giving full consideration to why Moses wrote the law concerning divorce. It was quite common for women to be treated as property and simply “thrown out” by their husbands. The divorce laws required a man to write a certificate of divorce which made men think twice about divorcing their wives.
3. Do you view marriage as a legal agreement or a spiritual commitment? Why?
Joshua 24:15
But if you refuse to serve the LORD, then choose today whom you will serve. Would you prefer the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates? Or will it be the gods of the Amorites in whose land you now live? But as for me and my family, we will serve the LORD. (NLT)
Those who say, “But as for me and my family we will serve the LORD” are people who understand the God-ordained purpose of marriage as a relationship that calls you to find purpose and transformation through serving the person you are committed to. Some people say “Marriage is not meant to make you happy, it’s meant to make you holy”. If being “holy” means becoming a person who is transformed into the person they were created to be in Christ through service to their spouse, then marriage is meant to make you holy.
4. How do you think marriage can make us more like Christ?
5. In what ways does your marriage make you more like Christ?
Ephesians 5:21-25
Out of respect for Christ, be courteously reverent to one another.
Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands.
Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ's love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They're really doing themselves a favor—since they're already "one" in marriage.
(The Message)
6. What is your reaction to this passage?
7. What are some practical ways that spouses can love each by serving each other?
Ecclesiastes 4:12
A three-stranded rope isn't easily snapped. (The Message)
Ecclesiastes 4:12 is often used at weddings as part of the ceremony and often couples will physically take 3 cords and braid them together. For Christ followers, marriage is meant to be a union of three people – husband, wife, and God.
8. How might the union of two vs. the union of three impact the way couples approach their relationship, commitment, and conflict in marriage?
Life is hard, marriage is hard, we mess up; we need help, we need grace, we need forgiveness. Marriage will not always be easy—it will require hard work. But it is sacred, an incredible blessing set up by God Himself. And He’s even more committed to making our marriage last than we are! We need to move to a place where divorce is not even an option, but where we remain committed to working through any conflict, no matter how difficult, with God’s help. We need to remain a “three stranded rope” keeping God always as the foundation.
What’s Next
Which of the following fits you and your relationship? What action will you take?
• Do you need to extend forgiveness or grace to someone else?
• Do you need to receive forgiveness and grace yourself?
• If you’re not married, what are some practical ways to encourage a married couple you know?
• If you are married and struggling what is one step you can take this week to begin to transform your relationship?
• If your marriage is going well (this week ☺ ) what is what is one way you can affirm your spouse?
• If you are divorced is there a step you need to take on the road to healing?
• Is there a way this small group could support you in taking the steps you need to take?
Personal Journal and Reflection
1 Corinthians 13, Mark 13:25, Romans 12:18, Ecclesiastes 9:9, 1 Peter 3:7
How does God’s grace affect your daily life? What things do you feel God has forgiven you for? What things do you feel you need to ask forgiveness for?
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Who can you pray for in your family? _____________________________
Who can you pray for at work or school? ______________________________
Who can you pray for in your neighborhood? _____________________________
